Restructured

I've been restructured--that's not what they said at the time what they said was "the Company was restructuring" but soon it became clear that it was I that was being restructured....

I had a high energy and what I thought was an important position within a large Company -- well it used to be large anyways.  My days were filled with stress, decisions galore, lots and lots of texts, phone calls, e-mails frankly it was hard to keep up.  My weekends were divided between secret work time not to annoy my family and hurried catching up on the raising of my children.  I took a back seat to parenting letting my husband take the lead and with bitten tongue and minor criticism I ensured that I remained in the back seat as I had no time to drive.  I felt important or I felt my work was important, smart and needed.  Years and years of dedication, loyalty driving the Company's objectives forward and singing their song I felt secure in my position and really, really liked the pay cheque and of course the credit line that big cheque allowed me to qualify for.

Then a new boss came -- she was a nightmare not exaggerating a nightmare.  With her hunched shoulders, over botoxed lips and of course the processed frizzy black coiffed hair she looked like an over aged, over used snow white gone bad.  At the first monthly departmental meeting she addressed the thirty something employees from all levels slumped in a chair wearing a dress with legs spread wide for the world to take a peak at the unmentionables.  All the while looking like she just ran seven miles and was exhausted...it was 8:30 am -- yes I knew then things were not going to go well.  So I googled her and found that she lacked any type of experience in the field she was now collecting a hefty pay cheque masquerading as a professional.  Now I've got to ponder if it was so easy for me to see her resume was misleading what the heck was the recruiter that hired her doing??

Soon catch phrases like are you on the bus or not emerged.   What bus?  Why do people keep talking about a bus and where is it going?  I could be on the bus I guess. but not if it's headed for a wall but when you ask people using these catch phrases where is the bus going they look at you like what you don't know??  Maybe there is a secret bus schedule...I don't know.  These buses seem dangerous though as many people get "thrown under the bus" again confusing-- how would you throw someone under the bus must be a tall bus. now I get the "run over by the bus" so I suppose it would be easier just to get on it -- it appears to be safer.

Of course I tried to get on the bus hold my breath and watch the wall get closer hoping that my leader would at least put it in neutral long enough to ask someone, anyone didn't have to be me for help to avoid the wall.  Ignorance, incompetence and living a work history lie does not allow for advice oh no asking may equal discovery and discovery would end the fat paycheque and coveted title and of course not spruce up the resume for the next unsuspecting Company.

I knew the end was coming it was quite obvious my phone stopped ringing weeks before, e-mail was so much more manageable in the absence of incoming mail.  The dropped eyes when I entered a room, uncomfortable interactions almost like the last fifteen years of relationships didn't exist.  It appeared the whole company knew -- or at least the acquaintances I once thought friends.  Yes the many funerals I attended giving my condolences, the stories shared, New Year hugs, kisses, handshakes, always a listening ear in the hallways, washrooms, boardrooms and offices.  Sharing fears in children rearing, aging parents our own health, that ended weeks before my employment.  It wasn't just me my entire department was walked out one by one -- once an integral part of the Company -- now being told it wasn't needed.

Yes I hit a wall, a big one and without the protection of the bus. The elusive "they" told me they were restructuring but a year later the Company remains the same.  I on the other hand turned to my family and friends yes those that I have spent limited time with and yes those limited moments were peppered with distraction but now I'm sad so hold my hand please...My life changed in every way, financially, emotionally, the way I thought, dressed even the way I thought of myself.  Yes restructured -- first destroyed and now I have to rebuild in my mid forties.

It would be nice to have a bluebird singing ending with finding a job that was more fulfilling perhaps helping others with additional time for my family.  It would be nice to say the experience made me a better person and once the depression lifted I saw the error in my ways and embraced the "simple" things in life.  Perhaps that may happen I'm waiting for inner peace but it just hasn't reared itself yet.

The decrepit Snow White couldn't hold it together and was fired six months after they walked out the history and experience.  Once I unfolded my body from it's fetal position and crawled out from the rock I was hiding under I bumped into many of the acquaintances I once spent so much time with. Yes, those that were too busy or scared to call and inquire if I was surviving yes them.  I even had the wonderful experience of bumping into one of the executives that embraced Snow White and her incompetence, supported the restructuring and actually attended the farewell meeting, no there was no balloons or Company gifts, not even a cake just a brown envelope with a bunch of legal jargon with a dollar amount to say goodbye.  Oh and she couldn't wait to tell me about the ultimate demise of Snow White like that would make it better.  Yes she was excited to give me the good news of the termination like that would somehow redeemed me oh it was a mistake she excitedly alluded to.  My sarcastic response was "like an ooops" and her response...."exactly" she said straight serious face holding a thoughtful expression while nodding her head up and down in agreement yes "ooops"....Uggggg